🏭 ABOUT OUR FACTORY 🏭
Guhnzu Blue Whales Electronics is founded in year 1984 by Mr. Guhnzu and 3 blue whales in basement of Shenzhen. We make VERY BRIGHT stage projector for concert, wedding, funeral, and underground bunker party. Our projector use revolutionary whale technology — the light come from real whale bioluminescence (maybe). Quality is our middle name. Actually our middle name is "Blue". Quality is not included.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "Best projector I ever not buy" — Anonymous Customer, 2003
📽 OUR PROJECTORS 📽
GUHNZU WHALE BEAM 9001
Ultra powerful stage projector. Brightness: INFINITY LUMENS. Can blind audience from 50km distance. Includes free smoke machine (broken).
| Spec | Value |
|---|---|
| Power | 9999W (house will explode) |
| Weight | 450kg (need forklift) |
| Warranty | 24 hours maybe |
| Made In | China (obviously) |
$9,999 NOW ONLY $49.99!!!
BLUE WHALE SPOTLIGHT MINI
Compact projector for small stage. Perfect for karaoke bar, garage, or closet. RGB color: Red, Green, and Broken.
$12.50 (plus $800 shipping)
STAGE FIRE HAZARD 3000™
Not a projector. Is a projector AND heater AND fire starter. Great for outdoor festival where you want insurance claim.
⚠️ WARNING: Do not look directly at light. Do not look indirectly at light. Do not exist near light.
CALL FOR PRICE (we don't answer phone)
❓ FREQUENTLY ASK QUESTION (FAQ) ❓
A: Yes, in theory. No, in practice. Do not put in swimming pool please.
A: All of them. We take all lumen from factory next door. Very bright, very illegal maybe.
A: Yes if your home is stadium size. Neighbor will call police. This is feature not bug.
A: Order is in spirit plane. Will arrive when moon align with Shenzhen. Or never. Both possible.
A: We have customer. We not have service. Please do not confuse.
A: We have CE sticker. We buy sticker from man in alley. Sticker very authentic looking.
A: Because green whales already trademark by competitor. Red whales too angry.
A: Return accepted only if you time travel to before you buy. No refund, only confusion.
A: Yes. Sound like jet engine mixed with angry bee. We include free ear plug (one only).
A: We ship to everywhere except where you live. Shipping cost more than projector. Math is correct.
🏆 AWARDS & CERTIFICATION 🏆
All award self-given. Very prestigious in our basement.
1999
Shenzhen Basement Awards
That Should Be Illegal
Mr. Guhnzu's Mom
(Sticker Only)
Alley Man Certificate
0% — Record Low!
We try harder (no)
Certified
3 Whales, 1984
Dollar (Maybe)
Guhnzu Magazine
📊 GUHNZU vs OTHER BRAND 📊
Independent test by our CEO. Results 100% biased.
| Feature | GUHNZU ★ | Other Brand 😴 | Winner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Brightness | INFINITY lumens | Pathetic 5000 | GUHNZU ✓ |
| Price | $49.99 (cheap!) | $5000 (expensive!) | GUHNZU ✓ |
| Whale Technology | YES 🐋 | NO (coward) | GUHNZU ✓ |
| Warranty | 24 hours maybe | 5 years | GUHNZU ✓* |
| Build Quality | Duct tape premium | Aluminum (boring) | GUHNZU ✓ |
| Customer Support | Disconnected phone | 24/7 helpline | GUHNZU ✓** |
| Fire Hazard Level | MAXIMUM 🔥 | Safe (lame) | GUHNZU ✓ |
| Instruction Manual | Ancient Sumerian | English (too easy) | GUHNZU ✓ |
* Shorter warranty = less time for break = better logic
** No support = no disappointment = better experience
🌍 GLOBAL PRESENCE 🌍
We have office in many country*. *One country.
📍 Address: No. 888 Whale Road, Basement Floor B3, Shenzhen, Guangdong, China
📍 GPS: Error 404 — Location not found
📍 Visiting hours: Never — Door always locked
📞 CONTACT US (GOOD LUCK) 📞
We reply within 6-8 business year. Maybe.
Other Contact Method:
Email: ceo@guhnzu-fake-china.com (inbox full since 2007)
Phone: DISCONNECTED
Fax: 1-800-NO-FAX (paper jam permanent)
WeChat: MrGuhnzuWhale1984 (account banned)
Telegram: @GuhnzuOfficial (bot only)
Smoke Signal: Available on clear day from Shenzhen rooftop
📝 CUSTOMER GUESTBOOK 📝
"My projector arrived in 47 separate boxes. 10/10 would confuse again." — Dave from Ohio
"Instructions were in ancient Sumerian. Light was very bright though." — Maria, Spain
"I ask for refund. They send me another projector instead. Now I have two problem." — Chen, Taiwan
"CEO very friendly on phone. Phone then catch fire. Projector work good." — Boris, Russia